Intolerable Uncertainties
by GundamDelta6
Summary: Knowledge is not infallible: even if you are right all the time, you will be occasionally wrong. Fifth in the StV series.


Sorry it took a couple days to get this out...I'm not afraid or ashamed to admit that I was crying too hard Monday night to write anything, and I was watching NCIS last night...

Enough excuses....This entry in the series is dedicated to Kutner...we'll all miss you dearly.

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Title: Intolerable Uncertainty

Category: House, M.D.

Genre: Angst/Hurt/Comfort

Pairing: House/Cuddy

Set: 5x20--"Simple Explanation"

Rating: PG

Summary: Knowledge is not infallible: even if you are right all the time, you will be occasionally wrong. Fifth in the StV series.

Author Note: Takes place during the scene in House's office, before Cuddy leaves.

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There had to be something wrong with him. He'd missed something…he had to have. That was the only explanation. The simplest one. The one he wasn't willing to believe. But the lack of other possible reasons forced him to at least consider the possibility that he was losing his touch. Which he supposed came with age. It took him a moment to realize that Cuddy was still there. He looked up at her, trying to hide the pained look in his eyes.

"You're still here?"

She nodded slowly, holding back a sigh. Hesitantly, she raised her hand to rest on his shoulder. He didn't shrug her hand away like she'd thought he would. So she took a couple steps closer. He didn't pull back.

"There was nothing you could have done," Cuddy started, cutting herself off when House glared up at her. "There was nothing anyone could have done," she rephrased. His glare softened slightly. "You are not the only one who missed it. You are not the only one who didn't see this coming."

"Saying that I missed something implies there's something to have missed." His voice was rough and had a tone she'd rarely heard him use before. A tone that she didn't like the implications of. Self doubt.

"Snap out of it, House!" she urged. "Stop doubting yourself. He didn't say anything to anyone. No one knew this was going to happen. No one could have helped him. No one could have saved him."

"I know that!" House snapped back, his eyes hardening and becoming unreadable. "I should have seen it…There had to have been some telling sign, however small. There just had to have been."

Cuddy sighed again. She wished he wouldn't do this. Wished he wouldn't make this difficult. Wished he wouldn't blame himself. Not again. She shook her head.

"Don't do this." Something in House snapped back to attention and his light blue eyes cleared and focused on her momentarily. "Don't blame yourself for this."

"Cuddy…"

"Please, Greg. Stop overanalyzing this." Her voice was soft and House had to strain his ears to catch every word. "It was Kutner's decision…"

"You don't believe that." House turned his head away, tearing his gaze from hers. "You can't believe it's actually possible that he could have chosen to kill himself. There was no reason…"

"Can you really say that with any certainty? Can you really say he had no reason to do it? Can any of us say that?" House let out a heavy breath, staring at a spot on the floor. He contemplated Cuddy's words for a brief moment before accepting them.

There was a lot that House decided that he couldn't say with any level of certainty. He couldn't say that he could have stopped it from happening. He couldn't say that he knew why it had happened. He couldn't say what would happen next. He couldn't say what he felt about anything that had happened.

Which scared the hell out of him.

Certainty and facts were all that House had. They were his source of power. He controlled himself and everything and everyone around him with certainties like facts and statistics. Knowing the facts, memorizing the statistics, were what gave his life meaning. Not knowing something was torture for him.

Which was why there had to be a reason. Which was why he couldn't have missed something. Because if he'd missed something, it meant his control was slipping.

"No. I can't." Admitting that was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do, but he figured that Cuddy expected him to say something. He turned his head to look through the glass into his conference room where Taub, Thirteen and Foreman were standing. He started when Cuddy stepped closer, wrapping her arms around him.

He shouldn't have been surprised when he felt her lips on his cheek. He should have known she would comfort him in such a way, disguising the somewhat intimate gesture as a friendly hug. When she pulled back, he met her eyes unblinkingly.

"I'm here if you need me." He nodded once to acknowledge her words as she stepped away. The door between his office and conference room opened and Taub walked into the room.

"Thanks, Lisa," he muttered so that only Cuddy could hear. She smiled, and something deep inside him softened. Something in the vicinity of his heart warmed slightly at the gesture.

At least there was one thing he could be sure of in this haze of intolerable uncertainties.

If something were to ever happen to her, it would truly be his loss.

Those thoughts were chased back to the dark recesses of his mind to be thought upon later when Cuddy spoke again.

"Concentrate on your patient. Put your energies into someone you _can_ help." He nodded again as Cuddy turned to leave. He watched her walk out of his office, watched her disappear down the hall before turning his thoughts and attention back to his current case.

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----------------------------------------------------------------**In Loving Memory of Doctor Lawrence Kutner 1975-2009**----------------------------------------------------------------


End file.
